He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm bleeding and have questions
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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