God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
