i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Come on in and take your pants off
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