see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
