Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
All I want is dick and wine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
