then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
