I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
