So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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