Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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