I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
