we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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