You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
