can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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