Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
