loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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