I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
