...so i touched it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
