it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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