fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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