I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
