You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well I can't set my house on fire every night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
