the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
