remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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