My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
