btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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