I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
