she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
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hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives