My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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