My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
