Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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