Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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