see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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