my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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