Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
