You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
