listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am midnight drunk by noon
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It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
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Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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