I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
