I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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