Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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