if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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