escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
