I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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