he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
