you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
