I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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