Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My penis needs a shock collar
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
