Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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