Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
