Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
