I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
