Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
