Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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