Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
