I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And then my night got REAL pukey
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
