I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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