OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
