We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
