I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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